I realized it was a goodbye...

As I dreamed I could feel such joy in the bliss of rest where the vivid feeling of long-forgotten peace emerged gracefully, where no problems seemed so important as important as the life I was living, the air i was breathing and that feeling which I was truly enjoying. Indeed, it was an unexpected blessing which when I remember it now, it is, without a doubt miraculously precious. Then, with the warm cozy feeling, followed by a remembrance of long-forgotten memory, a memory of her; her smile, her voice, her face ah... radiant sweetly called my name which lifted my conscious with rejuvenation thrilled in the sudden awakening (it felt as  if someone needed my companionship, and I was for once in my life, a valuable friend). Welcoming her and those memories in my minds-eye, then I felt, truly felt what happiness fills like as when I the joy the feeling which I needn’t say in words was so shared with her, the feeling needed no such explanation with my limited ability of communication and expressive vocabulary that which I knew and was still learning to eloquently use. I shared my joy and peace I felt then with utmost sincerity which though I try to express now in this reality, it still feels by instinct imperfect unlike then, when I knew she was there one with my consciousness with whom I felt symbiotic understanding; for a moment, that was an eternity. Yet, like everything in the universe, it came to pass and as her consciousness left mine I felt a devastation of sudden loss, the lack, the lack of complete unity (where I was not selfishly alone giddy in joy), I could feel such sadness unlike any that I had ever felt with a sensation of shock a feeling of under-current passing through from top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Likewise, simultaneously, my consciousness felt, the absence of significant part of myself, as if something that was me , which was mine, that vital portion was missing, just gone like the dew when the sun comes high, that I realized was the feeling of her presence, her shadow which had left for the long walk of after-life. Then it hit me again, hard, she…she was not alive anymore in the physical sense of reality, not since weeks and weeks ago, and the only thing I could be comfort myself, solace my sanity, assure myself  with, was, a part of her still lives within me despite her departure of her consciousness and its potent presence that I had not realized was lurking behind the mind covered below the ever-blissful-peace. However, now, from now on, my own soul had grasped her, treasuring those memories vividly than ever before, despite the melancholy filled heart mine, filled to the brim, as with the in-indomitable will of hers, the inspiration to risk for love, and the joy it brings with the light of kindness and comfort, I am free and so is she. And most of all, life I felt was no more dull with lethargy from constant hardships, with so more excitement from the challenging hurdles, with free running sweat I was no more shameful to shed. Later, taking long vacation is not being lazy but is a necessity and so and so solved all uneven pieces of puzzle of path called life with a realization that peace and happiness that a sentient being desires while continuing the eternal journey before darkness conquers all is achievable though always sporadic it is a finite catalyst in sweet-bitter life. The journey still will continue though with more optimism than before despite the ever surrounding pessimistic darkness which I understand now is hers to journey towards, she, the sweetest lady I have ever known in my short life, she my grandma who gave me the gift of that epiphanic realization that I had forgotten to realize, I always had in me, she to whom I am silently with my consciousness conveying a not-so-long goodbye for now, which by the way I hope she listens to, “I know I will be joining you later in your journey. So, I am happy, so truly happy for you, grandma, and for me too. Please... go with light of peace and happiness, with my love and my respect. I will be there, I promise.”