As a man

As an adult who had seen the falling out between his parents and being passed between them years and out as a child,  never truly settling down, always moving to new places, living with new acquaintances-to-be friends remaining always to be with addition of being also the only child, is truly a lonely time of a childhood to reminiscent about and when he sees a family together happy in their childish quarrels, or sitting around in solemn silent dinners without any banter, he can't help but long for such a childhood at the very least the latter...and  wishing he could go back in time and re conciliate whatever differences then had occurred between his parents resulting in the falling out. Then he could have made some very lasting friends, a place he could truly know and be comfortable to roam with those friends unlike hours of gaming inside copped up or reading hundreds of books until his curiosity sates without a conversation where he can have his say on the matter he thinks is worth.  Then he would not have to be socially awkward and shy or rude as perceived by the socialite classmates. Then he  would not grow up to be a man uncertain and fazed when someone boldly asks something. Then he would not have to try so hard to fit or let himself be isolated. He wouldn't have phobia of relationships like failures of that of his parents. He needn't think himself unworthy of love, affection or display of feelings. He needn't search for self worth self esteem or any ego satisfying means or even suicide to release from this kind of loneliness. He needn't. As adult he is expected to stand up and work and support himself. But how could he when he is uncertain about himself without vision or energy to do something, when there is none to call as true friend or family that cares. To live for living sake it seems to be futile all this drama this rules and chaos... futile! That's what the newly turned man thinks after crossing just the age limit of 18 and now beginning his first step as an adult in the society fueled by  avarice and plasticity rife with power hungry and fame seeking masks which confuses his sanity and baffles his sanity. Only if it was so simple like then, the childhood he never could have...