The Five Stages of Grief
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"Grief. No words can define it or phrase the meaning. Only when an immeasurable loss shatters our mind, our 'self' submerges in the very depth of personal hell, then, we are one with grief. Memories of the past increasingly assault our vulnerable minds time and again, until something vital breaks inside of us. We lay there broken, submerged in the personal reality. Time is timeless. The world is colorless. Food loses taste, dreams turn to nightmares, emotions become chaotic and everything worth counting on is worthless. Nothing matters anymore. Only memories of past, they come and go as guest uninvited. As rivulets of saltiness overflow from the very windows to the soul, we become numb, desensitized, until, we reach void, the complete silence. Little by little we start to understand what is important. We realize how lonely we are even in the midst of well-wishers, how mortal our body is, how short life can be.. realizing which, we feel bitter and sad. Regrets; the results of our foolish ego, turn up their ugly head too. Simultaneously, we are relieved, for our mind is more open than ever with that realization; death is normal, as is the pain of losing someone or something precious. Coming in terms with this truth, we realize life is to be lived to the fullest, no regrets can shadow its magnanimity. Even pain is sweet as we grasp the shards of our broken souls and in the furnace of truth, we lay them bare to reforge a whole, surviving despair, grief, and guilt. Stronger than ever. We are reborn. "
Grief is a survival reflex to lose. The loss could be the death of a loved one, a breakup, or loss of a job, or any that brings us pain. This alters our mindset and perspective on life. Before and after if we do compare, it is evident, we change as we should. The change could be for better or worse, yet we adapt to it. We adapt to the changed circumstance. Either it breaks us or remakes us, i.e. up-to-the self and in-part family and friend's support. It is the lowest point of our life, and for some time we cannot hold the ground on our own and confirm normalcy. As social beings, we look forward to companionship and in rare cases, we want to be just left alone, in peace.
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The Five Stages Of Grief is an observation-based theory that tries to explain what we go through when we are in grief. Mentioned in the book “On Death and Dying” by a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, it is known as, Kübler-Ross model. The stages are subjective and thereby vary from person to person based on his/her circumstance/nature. By going through them, we could realize grief in its essence and cope with it.
1. Denial
When we learn of the loss, we simply cannot believe it! We try to rationalize the overwhelming emotions surging in our minds. Our response is not to be receptive, and we try to deny its very existence. We feel numb and life as meaningless. Thus this is called a coping mechanism as we try to deny facts and try to minimize the sudden pain. We do not want to feel misery and thus delay its realization as far as possible
2. Anger
As we realize the facts, the denial slips away like a dream and we feel anger rising to the surface. It is called the masking effect because we try to hide the inner turmoil raging within us with anger. We display anger outside towards the other party; deceased loved one, partner, or boss. This may include even inanimate objects around us which we break or try to destroy. Though the rational part of us knows they are not at fault, we need to vent the conflicting feelings as they are too intense to handle. There is also guilt and this makes us angrier till the pent-up feeling is so released. As we vent our anger, it slowly subsides down and we start to embrace the rational side of us
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3. Bargaining
As we rationalize more, we realize we are vulnerable and helpless in the face of loss. Things are not in our control, and yet the questions like 'what if' and 'if only...' recurs in our mind. We try to think about what we could have done better to prevent the loss from happening. Devout individuals pray to their gods and try to make a deal in return for relief from the intense pain/suffering. Thereby, we try to raise a defense line to mitigate the pain of loss, guilt, grief, and hurt. Our instinct is to bring a sense of control existing before the loss.
4. Depression
Two kinds of depression may occur. One practical; wherein we think about the loss in terms of material like cost and time. Cost in terms of money (sounds selfish but it happens) and time which we could have spent more with the loved one, dedication to the job, or cultivate a healthy relationship. Thus it includes regrets and sadness. Another is more private depression, wherein we try to say solemn farewell to the deceased, realize where our's and other parties' failures led to the loss, and so on. We inevitably want to be alone to "take our time" and fight the depression hook or by crook.
5. Acceptance
It takes a lot of time to fully accept the loss. It truly IS difficult to accept it for what it is. We do not suddenly return to normal life, but still, we accept some part of the truth and try to move on. Death is universal, losing a job is not the end of the world and relationship is dynamic. This stage includes a kind of withdrawal to self and calmness with realization. Healing starts from inside and letting go brings a kind of serenity of acceptance. We start to return to normal life, get more social, and look at the brighter side.
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Thus, grief is part of us and we are part of it. Though the experience is different for each of us, we need to cope with the loss for the better. We will die one day and there will be many more losses in the coming days. By realizing this inevitable fact, we can lessen the feelings of grief. We can transcend our vulnerability into strength. It can be a motivation to live a life of contentment and happiness by treasuring what we have, time. It may take days and weeks but akin to butterflies we could live in the moment, enjoy a little bit of sunshine, and find hope in hopelessness.
Reference:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
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